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| Illustration copyright 2014, Used with permission |
Sometimes that's the impression I get when I read/listen to/watch various male Catholic evangelizers on the circuit today. They talk liberally about football, wrestling, beer, and God like they are all part and parcel of being a man. As if all men love to watch football, eat pizza, pass wind, drink beer, smoke cigars, and what makes a man a RCM is that he does Catholic "stuff," too.
Sometimes when I read/ listen to/ watch some male Catholic evangelizers I find myself yawning at their superficiality. Even some of the most energized, passionate male speakers bore me to tears. (A disclaimer: thankfully, there are some excellent ones out there, too.)
Now maybe it is because growing up I was the strange, isolated artist kid, more likely to be found in the school library reading a great novel or doodling in my ever present sketch pad (admittedly, drawing ripped superheroes saving beautiful damsels in distress, or grotesque monsters voraciously munching on people's body parts, in a gleeful desire to gross my friends out), than out on the playground playing a rough game of kickball. I guess for a nerdy artist guy like me, it is hard to relate to the testosterone-charged barrage of some guy on stage yelling at the men, grunting and exhorting them to "man-up." (Maybe that is why I enjoy Fr. Robert Barron's work so much.)
The difficulty I have in this chest-pounding approach is that it is grounded on some sophomoric assumptions that simply don't ring true.
When male Catholic evangelizers contend that man and women are equal but distinctly different, I wholeheartedly agree. My son and I are surrounded by females in our house. I get it. Catholic anthropology is grounded in Truth.
But the chest-beaters lose me when they seem to equate RCM spirituality with abundant chest hair (poor me, with my predominately English blood, I am seriously challenged in this area), sports, and blood-drenched action movies. Sometimes I even sense that these guys are afraid to speak seriously of the great male intellectual tradition in the Church. It sometimes seems implied that a) the pursuit of intellectual spirituality is too deep a concept for men, and b) if you want to keep men engaged you must keep it superficial and steeped in sports or war banter.
That's a little insulting.
I've noticed they neglect to speak of the goodness of male tenderness, as exhibited by a father cuddled up to a child on the sofa as he reads to her, or a dad running his fingers through his little boy's hair as he bids him goodnight. Nothing, to my mind, speaks of male spirituality and manliness as a father telling his little girl, "You are a princess in the Kingdom of God, and the Great King cherishes you. Don't ever forget that." At the inaugural Mass for his pontificate, Pope Francis spoke of this tenderness as exemplified by the husband of Mary:
"St. Joseph appears as a strong and courageous man, a working man, yet in his heart we see great tenderness, which is not the virtue of the weak but rather a sign of strength of spirit and a capacity for concern, for compassion, for genuine openness to others, for love. We must not be afraid of goodness, of tenderness!"
I understand what the chest-beaters are doing: they are trying to meet a lot of men where they think they are at and then lead them deeper to the ideal of spiritual battle, warfare, and all that. They are trying to wake men up to the reality that a man is called to spiritual battle for the souls of his wife and children. So true. After all, I love Braveheart and Gladiator as much as the next guy. And I do realize we are at war for our family members' souls. (And I also believe we must examine ourselves when it comes to liturgical music, etc., which has tended to be bland and banal, especially from a male perspective, but that is the subject of a post for another time.)
I guess my complaint is that the chest-beaters often fail to take it deeper. I suppose I find that a bit patronizing. Don't treat me like I am a spiritual neanderthal. Challenge me to be a saint, albeit a male one, not just a testosterone-charged Catholic superhero.
Being a RCM is more than a coach saying a customary Our Father before a ball game (though that is good to do for certain). It is more than going to Mass with the family (though that is essential). It is so much more than joining in family prayer before bed (ditto).
To my mind, being a RCM is to be like King David, not in his abilities as a warrior, but in his all-consuming love for God. So often we focus so much on David's kick-donkey leadership (as exhibited in his fantastic smack-down of Goliath) and equate that with his true manliness rather than realizing what made David a true man was his all-in devotion to God. David was a man who danced like a fool before the ark of the Lord, after all (cf. 2 Sam 6:16). It was this devotion, this single-minded, manly commitment to God, that motivated David's military exploits and moved his heart to repentance when he failed to exercise the virtue of chastity and even plotted the death of his beloved's husband, Uriah, in an act of stupendous cowardice.
A RCM--- at least the one I am striving to be, as witnessed by great saints, like Pope John Paul II--- models his life on Jesus, the greatest model of Real Manhood, by laying down his life for others.
He submits to the authority of God and leads in love, as the Master did.
A RCM is faithful to Christ and His Church in all things, including in areas of sexuality and procreation. He doesn't selfishly expect his wife to poison herself with life-preventing contraceptives, or conversely disable his own natural ability to cooperate with the work of the Creator through sexual self-mutilation or the absurd application of rubber sheathes.
A RCM spends time with his wife, eye to eye. He values her opinions and listens to her. He spends time with his children, doing what they want to do, even when his fatigue tempts him to a sedentary sprawl on the recliner before the TV.
A RCM not only takes his family to Mass on Sunday, he talks openly about his faith with his wife and children, and explains to them why it is so important to him, and what a difference it has made in his own life. He pushes through his fears of being vulnerable and speaks of his faith to others when the occasion calls for evangelization.
A RCM models his need for and the beauty of reconciliation with God and the faith community by going to the sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation regularly.
A RCM prays, not just mumbling the "easy" formula prayers along with the family (though this may be an admirable beginning), but by truly being a leader of prayer in the home. He demonstrates his devotion to God through his commitment to prayer, and he takes seriously his responsibility to be a teacher of prayer to his family (see John Paul II's apostolic exhortation, Familiaris Consortio, no. 60, 1981). A friend of mine recounts how he would pass by his parents' room at night and see his dad kneel at his bedside in prayer, and how it left a deep impression on him and his perception of what it means to be a man.
I am going to be honest. I have a long way to go to become the RCM I believe the Lord has called me to be.
Like the rest of the disciples, I am a work in progress. And at times I have failed miserably in the project. But I know who it is that I must look to to teach me how to be a RCM. And frankly, while they have their purpose and value, it isn't some Catholic speaker on stage, going on a rant about Catholic manhood, that is going to teach me how to be a RCM. My Teacher must be the One Teacher, the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ. Certainly He will use others, such as the saints, to tutor me in the way of authentic male spirituality. But ultimately, it is only by keeping my eyes fixed on Him that I have a hope to finish this race (cf. Heb 12:1-2; 1 Tim 4:7).
The older I get the more I believe that what makes a man a man is his right orientation of heart, and where he goes from there.
Whether he is an exceptional athlete or a quirky artist, it is the state of his heart that matters.
"You have been told, O man, what is good, and what the LORD requires of you: only to do the right and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8, NAB).
The heart directed to God is a heart most fully alive in love, and love is the fuel that drives the male heart and makes a man a man.
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