I have heard it said that there are two things a person
fears most: loss of what one has, and not getting what one wants.
That may be true. One thing I know is that fear prevents me
from being available to God, and from walking forth in faith when He calls me.
About four years ago, through a series of events, including a tragedy that brought me to some profound introspection, I faced the stark reality that I was living a life more formed by fear than faith. The humbling realization upset my spiritual equilibrium, but it opened the door to change. I wrote in my journal at the time that I sensed profound changes were coming my way.
The realization of the domination of fear in my life injured
my pride because I was a employed as a full time faith-proclaimer. The
hypocrisy was glaring. I knew that if I failed to act on my realization, I might as
well quit ministry. If I wasn’t walking the walk, I had nothing worth saying. I
could not get in front of people and proclaim fullness of life through radical
trust in God if I knew in my heart I was acting the coward.
(It’s okay to be a coward, by the way, just not to act like one. According to Mother Angelica, founder of EWTN, “Some
people say I am a woman of great faith. I’m really a coward who keeps moving
forward.”)
Recently my wife and I made a radical change in our lives, a
change that we have been discerning and working toward these past four years. Two
months ago we sold our house and many of our belongings, and moved across the
country with three of our five children (the oldest two out of the house) to
begin a new life. We left behind the familiarity and security of a home we had enjoyed for many years, a number of dear friends, a vibrant parish community, and I walked away from a dream job for someone employed in lay
ecclesial ministry. We moved to a place where we knew only my brother and his family, had no
friends, and no job. We moved to the Midwest during the
harshest part of winter, leaving behind the moderate temperatures of the
desert. For some, it must have appeared foolish.
Looking back, it all connects to a point in which we said
the scary words, “Let’s do this.” Four years ago, we risked taking a longtime dream
of moving our family to the Midwest seriously. We dared believe that God was
calling us forth to a new life. It has been a terrifying walk of faith. What if
we were making the worst decision for our family? What if our children would suffer
because of our recklessness? What if what we perceived as a call from the Lord really came from somewhere else (our own disordered passions, or from a more diabolical origin)?
Fear of losing what we had--- established home and
reputation, familiarity, friends, faith community great job--- tempted us to
abandon the dream as a romantic longing not worthy of being taken seriously. On the
other hand, fear of not realizing the dream tempted us to “make” the dream
happen, to take shortcuts, to force life to conform to our wills. Either choice
would have been a godless choice. Two Scripture passages challenged and sustained
me: “Trust wholeheartedly in the LORD, put no faith in your perception;
acknowledge him in every course you take, and he will see your paths are
smooth. (Proverbs 3:5-6)" and “In waiting and calm you shall be saved, and in quiet
and trust shall be your strength. (Isaiah 30:15)”
We prayed, earnestly seeking God’s will, begging Him to kill
any desire in us not in conformity with His holy will, consulted with trusted
faith companions, took action where we could, prayed, consulted, acted, and on
and on. Doors slammed shut; doors opened unexpectedly.
But the lesson for me throughout was that if you are a person
of faith, you mustn’t let fear dominate your life. Not if you want to live
fully, and especially if you proclaim fullness of life in Christ to others (as
all Christians are called to do in some way or another). It is good, necessary,
and faithful to discern your decisions wisely, but to shrink back in fear from
something you feel God is calling you to is a faith-killer. Unholy fear
frustrates the life-giving power of faith.
Fear keeps us locked inside, where we feel safe and secure,
but where we may very well be withering, dying on the vine.
Faith drives us into God’s world, where amazing things happen
for those who believe.
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